Triggers

Thursday | September 8, 2016

Triggers.

They happen when you least expect it.
A thought.
Circumstance.
Something that someone says or something that you see…and it spirals from there.

Yesterday, I had one of those triggers and the tears began to flow...

“I was just thinking, Gabriella would’ve made the cutest flower girl for your wedding.”

That was the text I sent my sister, Kelli, as I was thinking about Gabriella and who was going to be their flower girl. (I truly have no idea how I’m going to hold it together at my sister’s wedding if they have a flower girl walk down that aisle.)

Gabriella would’ve been a little over two years old right now.

I wish she was here.
I just want to hold her, kiss her, read her bedtime stories, and watch Jason play with her because I know He would’ve been a wonderful dad to our little girl. 

I do wonder why.

I ask that question to Jesus quite frequently,   
“Lord, why in the world did you allow her to die? You could’ve stopped this, brought her back to life at that hospital or after I delivered her when we were skin to skin, but for whatever reason, you chose not to…”
On this side of heaven, I know I will NEVER understand why she was taken from us.
However, I do know the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. And I wouldn't put it past the enemy if he or it's demons were involved with Gabbi's death. We live in a sinful world and we're never promised an easy life.
BUT
I know God could’ve prevented/stopped this and for whatever reason He didn’t. That's been my struggle on this grief journey. Wanting to know the "why."

There is a song by Hilary Scott & The Scott Family, "Thy Will" that is near and dear to my heart right now and puts so much in perspective.

Here are the lyrics.

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

(Written by Bernie Herms, Hillary Scott, Emily Lynn Weisband • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group)

I really do need the frequent reminder that He is God and I am not.
He see's a MUCH bigger plan and purpose then I ever will.
I'm believing He will bring good from all this grief/pain, (in some miraculous way) and I'll continue to trust in Him despite my broken heart and the many triggers that come my way.

With love,
Kristen <3

I Will Carry You

Saturday | August 27, 2016

Life is hard. It overwhelms at times where I feel extremely inadequate and not capable of keeping up with everything. House. Work/teaching obligations. Relationships. Side gigs: calligraphy/essential oils and the list just goes on…

I unloaded all my worries/anxiety on Jason this afternoon and that never starts/ends well.  I feel like I’m always asking the question, “How do people do it?” I've never felt like I've had an issue with the statement, “Keeping up with the Joneses” BUT I do.  Well, sort of…
In this case, the “Joneses”  isn’t necessarily comparing myself to others but to the “reality” I play out in my head and ideally how I want things to go. So many expectations and things that "need" to be done that I just have a hard time completing and finishing.

I struggle with the “follow thru.” 

I start three to four things at once, and then none of them get completely done and checked off the list. I vent to Jason and he says, “You need to focus on one thing, cross it off, and then move on to the next thing.  You need to do a better job following thru. For starters, stop falling asleep on the couch at night and then at least you’ll have a good night’s sleep and not feel tired the next day.  When you’re done working out in the living room, just put your weights and stuff away right then, until waiting until there is a mess.  I don’t want to be that husband that nags but maybe I need to…I don’t want to treat you like my child.”

Ouch.

When those words come out of your husband’s mouth that he doesn’t want to treat me like a child, something clearly needs to change on my end.
So, he leaves with his bass for praise band practice at church and I start by cleaning my makeup brushes that should’ve been cleaned a month ago, started a load of laundry and finished eating my yogurt from lunch…

I had grand plans to water our flowers/plants outside today and trim the bushes in our front flower bed because they are extremely overgrown. When the school year starts back, so many household chores and responsibilities get put on the back burner.
All of a sudden I notice strong winds outside and what looks like a thunderstorm start to roll in. I jump onto the Weather app and sure enough the radar has a huge red and orange blob about to come through our area…but it’s going slightly north so I can’t tell if we’re going to get hit or not.
I go to our bedroom, find some clean clothes, throw my hair into a messy bun and put a hat on.
I walk outside just to see what the weather conditions are like…
As I’m walking to our detached garage to put a Chabot sign in it that someone put on our lawn this morning WITHOUT asking (rude), I just start talking to Jesus. Things like, “Jesus, I can’t carry this load, my responsibilities and burdens are too much for me right now and I know I’m not even supposed to be carrying all this. All these worries…But I don’t know how I’m supposed to get it all done.”
As I’m unloading all these concerns to Him, I look down on the pavement and notice something that I have seen before…two acorns attached to one another and I hear Him say, “I will carry you.  You are not meant to carry everything you do on your own. I can handle your worries. I can handle your stresses. I can handle your burdens. Kristen, I will carry you. Give it all to me.” Then, I look around the pavement some more and see more acorns that are attached to each other. I begin to pick them up. One by one, each time I bend down to pick one set of acorns up I repeat what He just told me, “I will carry you.” I probably collected at least ten different sets during that time.

The two acorns attached to one another was revealed to me back in 2010. During that time, I was experiencing severe foot pain with my plantar fasciitis and was in a boot/on crutches for well over 6 months.  
It was a very difficult season.  

It was summer 2010.  
I was sitting on a picnic blanket in the side lot at my parents’ house just spending time with Jesus and that’s when I first noticed and picked up two acorns attached to each other.  At that time I heard Him say, “I will carry you.” This acorn is so symbolic of my relationship with Jesus. When you look at these acorns you’ll notice that if one is positioned vertically, the other is lifted, (not touching the ground or surface) It reminds me of the poem, “Footprints in the Sand” where God carries us.  Similar parallels.
Here’s the interesting thing.  I only spot and notice these acorns during overwhelming and challenging seasons.  A small but big reminder that He will carry us and we’re not intended to carry these burdens on our own.
He certainly has a way of revealing Himself through His Creation…nature.
It was a much needed reminder on this Saturday.

When has God carried you? Have you ever had an experience where He revealed Himself to you through His Creation? I would love to know/read in the comments below. He is more present than we even realize in our everyday lives…sometimes it just takes an overwhelmed/anxious state to spot His Presence and bring everything back to His Truth. 

With love,
Kristen <3