Triggers

Thursday | September 8, 2016

Triggers.

They happen when you least expect it.
A thought.
Circumstance.
Something that someone says or something that you see…and it spirals from there.

Yesterday, I had one of those triggers and the tears began to flow...

“I was just thinking, Gabriella would’ve made the cutest flower girl for your wedding.”

That was the text I sent my sister, Kelli, as I was thinking about Gabriella and who was going to be their flower girl. (I truly have no idea how I’m going to hold it together at my sister’s wedding if they have a flower girl walk down that aisle.)

Gabriella would’ve been a little over two years old right now.

I wish she was here.
I just want to hold her, kiss her, read her bedtime stories, and watch Jason play with her because I know He would’ve been a wonderful dad to our little girl. 

I do wonder why.

I ask that question to Jesus quite frequently,   
“Lord, why in the world did you allow her to die? You could’ve stopped this, brought her back to life at that hospital or after I delivered her when we were skin to skin, but for whatever reason, you chose not to…”
On this side of heaven, I know I will NEVER understand why she was taken from us.
However, I do know the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. And I wouldn't put it past the enemy if he or it's demons were involved with Gabbi's death. We live in a sinful world and we're never promised an easy life.
BUT
I know God could’ve prevented/stopped this and for whatever reason He didn’t. That's been my struggle on this grief journey. Wanting to know the "why."

There is a song by Hilary Scott & The Scott Family, "Thy Will" that is near and dear to my heart right now and puts so much in perspective.

Here are the lyrics.

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

(Written by Bernie Herms, Hillary Scott, Emily Lynn Weisband • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group)

I really do need the frequent reminder that He is God and I am not.
He see's a MUCH bigger plan and purpose then I ever will.
I'm believing He will bring good from all this grief/pain, (in some miraculous way) and I'll continue to trust in Him despite my broken heart and the many triggers that come my way.

With love,
Kristen <3